Things aren't working the way they are supposed to.
I should have a job...but I don't.
I should be happy...but I'm not.
I should be excited about grad school...but I'm just sort of excited.
I was told I didn't talk enough. Maybe I don't. I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say anymore. I don't have any interesting or unique points of view in my head anymore. So I prefer to say nothing. I'm sorry if you can't handle that. You interrupt me all the time with your thoughts...so I've gotten the hint. I'm not interesting.
Thunder. Lightning. Inside my head.
I smell blood.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Free Fall
Why can't I have nice things? Everytime something wonderful happens, I find a way to destroy it because that's the only way I can exercise control over my life.
Things have just been in a free fall for the last 3 weeks. And now I'm left alone here in Florida with my doubts weighing me down and crushing any spirit I may have. I love him. Most ardently. Yes I'm content to merely move through my world, destroying anything I touch.
If I don't learn to trust him, I will lose him. That's the truth of the matter. If I don't learn that his love is strong and stable and that he is speaking the truth to me, I will be left alone and miserable. It's a huge wall to surpass, but I have to get past it so I don't go through the conversations with him again.
He compared me to his last relationship where the girl said to him that she didn't understand why he was with her. I said almost an identical thing to him today and he blew a gasket. I couldn't believe the way he was swearing at me and getting upset. All he wants is my love and all I'm doing is pushing him away because it's "easier."
He wanted to hear the words from me. He wanted to know that I loved him and that I was excited to have him come live with me in Florida. He desperately wanted to hear that he meant a lot to me and that I was happy to have him in my life. Close to begging me and I couldn't believe it. It shocked me right to the core.
There is a someone out there who is as madly in love with me as I am with them. It blows my mind. I thought for a long time that I was "in love" with Chris, but it really wasn't true. I don't believe he loved me, even though he rejoiced in saying it ALL the time. I always assumed that his need to express his love for me was just a way of reaffirming it to himself, as if he had forgotten.
I can't simply imagine what this is meant to feel like. I informed him that when he wasn't around, I felt like half of a person. Which is entirely true. I feel like a shell of a human. He completes me. The other half of who I am. I think about us being together and I get aflutter. Because he is the perfect complement. And I can't lose that.
Things have just been in a free fall for the last 3 weeks. And now I'm left alone here in Florida with my doubts weighing me down and crushing any spirit I may have. I love him. Most ardently. Yes I'm content to merely move through my world, destroying anything I touch.
If I don't learn to trust him, I will lose him. That's the truth of the matter. If I don't learn that his love is strong and stable and that he is speaking the truth to me, I will be left alone and miserable. It's a huge wall to surpass, but I have to get past it so I don't go through the conversations with him again.
He compared me to his last relationship where the girl said to him that she didn't understand why he was with her. I said almost an identical thing to him today and he blew a gasket. I couldn't believe the way he was swearing at me and getting upset. All he wants is my love and all I'm doing is pushing him away because it's "easier."
He wanted to hear the words from me. He wanted to know that I loved him and that I was excited to have him come live with me in Florida. He desperately wanted to hear that he meant a lot to me and that I was happy to have him in my life. Close to begging me and I couldn't believe it. It shocked me right to the core.
There is a someone out there who is as madly in love with me as I am with them. It blows my mind. I thought for a long time that I was "in love" with Chris, but it really wasn't true. I don't believe he loved me, even though he rejoiced in saying it ALL the time. I always assumed that his need to express his love for me was just a way of reaffirming it to himself, as if he had forgotten.
I can't simply imagine what this is meant to feel like. I informed him that when he wasn't around, I felt like half of a person. Which is entirely true. I feel like a shell of a human. He completes me. The other half of who I am. I think about us being together and I get aflutter. Because he is the perfect complement. And I can't lose that.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Chauncey Pitro Poncey
I feel I need to document this for my own personal record. On July 2, 2006 I snapped a 4 year 4 month and 12 day streak of celibacy. I can't tell you how these things happen. They just do. I met a boy. That never happens. I met him, I like him and he likes me back. That really never happens.
I don't know what else to say. I'm not overanalyzing anything. (which is a first) I'm going with the flow as they say. Mostly, because I don't know what else to do considering my situation at this point. I'm leaving in a month and 10 days...so I can't very well start something. I just can't. It would be too hard.
What a miserable time. It makes me very sad, so I try to block it out and enjoy the time that I have left here in Maine. It's difficult sometimes. Especially at night when I'm laying down. My mind just runs and then I can't get to sleep. It's a common occurrence.
I don't know what else to say. I'm not overanalyzing anything. (which is a first) I'm going with the flow as they say. Mostly, because I don't know what else to do considering my situation at this point. I'm leaving in a month and 10 days...so I can't very well start something. I just can't. It would be too hard.
What a miserable time. It makes me very sad, so I try to block it out and enjoy the time that I have left here in Maine. It's difficult sometimes. Especially at night when I'm laying down. My mind just runs and then I can't get to sleep. It's a common occurrence.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Melancholia
I'm very melancholy today. Or at least for the last few hours. I'm not really sure why. I do believe that I have never had a meaningful relationship. I try to not feel bad about that...but I can't help it. I just want someone to love me I guess. With all my quirks and foibles. That's all. But I think I'm good at being a saboteur. I make it incredibly difficult for people to like me or love me or have any kind of affection. I build a wall and then I bomb the crap out of people who try to break through.
I shoot people down when they want to ...get close to me. In a physical sense. I can't handle someone invading my personal sphere anymore. The first time I had sex with Chris, I cried. He told me he loved me and I started to cry. At least he wasn't paying attention. He was too worried about his dick in my vagina. Or the condom falling off to notice that I had big alligator tears running down my face. I cried because I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I wanted it so badly.
I can handle kissing and cuddling and all that jazz...but anything more is just beyond me. I really can't begin to fathom how that can happen. I let it happen once recently (and when I say recent I mean like 2 years ago) and then I just closed up shop. I don't like people being close to me anymore. It seems easier to me to just push them all away and continue on with my business then to let someone see me have an orgasm. That's too personal. It's too close for comfort. I do not handle that well. I don't handle it at all. I make it a point to avoid that at all costs.
I shoot people down when they want to ...get close to me. In a physical sense. I can't handle someone invading my personal sphere anymore. The first time I had sex with Chris, I cried. He told me he loved me and I started to cry. At least he wasn't paying attention. He was too worried about his dick in my vagina. Or the condom falling off to notice that I had big alligator tears running down my face. I cried because I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I wanted it so badly.
I can handle kissing and cuddling and all that jazz...but anything more is just beyond me. I really can't begin to fathom how that can happen. I let it happen once recently (and when I say recent I mean like 2 years ago) and then I just closed up shop. I don't like people being close to me anymore. It seems easier to me to just push them all away and continue on with my business then to let someone see me have an orgasm. That's too personal. It's too close for comfort. I do not handle that well. I don't handle it at all. I make it a point to avoid that at all costs.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Bombs over Baghdad
I stuck a gun inside my vagina and pulled the trigger.
My ovaries felt the impact first as they shattered into a ball of light. The eggs were floating like pieces of styrofoam in the water.
It crushed my pelvic bone, destroyed my uterus, tore up my intestines and deflated my stomach. I didn't feel it when it happened. A bullet traveling at 800 feet/second will do that to you. It was a cool breeze across my flesh as it tore a hole and then instantly filled it with blood.
800 feet/second of full metal jacketed insanity crashed into my spine. My legs crumbled and my knees knocked together like a 5 year old at her first dance recital. I would have cried out in pain as my kneecaps collided with the cement but I couldn't feel that either. I couldn't feel the snapping of ribs or the collapsing of my ribcage. The spokes of my body puncturing my skin and falling like twigs around me. It was painless and numb as the bullet traveled through me and continued on.
My ovaries felt the impact first as they shattered into a ball of light. The eggs were floating like pieces of styrofoam in the water.
It crushed my pelvic bone, destroyed my uterus, tore up my intestines and deflated my stomach. I didn't feel it when it happened. A bullet traveling at 800 feet/second will do that to you. It was a cool breeze across my flesh as it tore a hole and then instantly filled it with blood.
800 feet/second of full metal jacketed insanity crashed into my spine. My legs crumbled and my knees knocked together like a 5 year old at her first dance recital. I would have cried out in pain as my kneecaps collided with the cement but I couldn't feel that either. I couldn't feel the snapping of ribs or the collapsing of my ribcage. The spokes of my body puncturing my skin and falling like twigs around me. It was painless and numb as the bullet traveled through me and continued on.
Monday, May 22, 2006
I'm never alone.
I feel like I'm alone all the time. I always get the feeling that I should be driving my car off a cliff. I want to just roll the car into traffic and snap my neck and die. I wouldn't have to worry about losing sleep or dealing with work or going to grad school or figuring out life. I could just be dead.
That doesn't seem like a normal thought process to have. I mean. ... Never.
I'm not happy. I never have been. There is always something else I should be doing. Or somewhere I should or someone I should call...yet I never do. I sit at home alone. I'm a hermit by nature. I don't socialize and I try to feel bad about it but I just can't.
I feel like I'm alone all the time. I always get the feeling that I should be driving my car off a cliff. I want to just roll the car into traffic and snap my neck and die. I wouldn't have to worry about losing sleep or dealing with work or going to grad school or figuring out life. I could just be dead.
That doesn't seem like a normal thought process to have. I mean. ... Never.
I'm not happy. I never have been. There is always something else I should be doing. Or somewhere I should or someone I should call...yet I never do. I sit at home alone. I'm a hermit by nature. I don't socialize and I try to feel bad about it but I just can't.
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