Melancholia

I'm very melancholy today. Or at least for the last few hours. I'm not really sure why. I do believe that I have never had a meaningful relationship. I try to not feel bad about that...but I can't help it. I just want someone to love me I guess. With all my quirks and foibles. That's all. But I think I'm good at being a saboteur. I make it incredibly difficult for people to like me or love me or have any kind of affection. I build a wall and then I bomb the crap out of people who try to break through.

I shoot people down when they want to ...get close to me. In a physical sense. I can't handle someone invading my personal sphere anymore. The first time I had sex with Chris, I cried. He told me he loved me and I started to cry. At least he wasn't paying attention. He was too worried about his dick in my vagina. Or the condom falling off to notice that I had big alligator tears running down my face. I cried because I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I wanted it so badly.

I can handle kissing and cuddling and all that jazz...but anything more is just beyond me. I really can't begin to fathom how that can happen. I let it happen once recently (and when I say recent I mean like 2 years ago) and then I just closed up shop. I don't like people being close to me anymore. It seems easier to me to just push them all away and continue on with my business then to let someone see me have an orgasm. That's too personal. It's too close for comfort. I do not handle that well. I don't handle it at all. I make it a point to avoid that at all costs.