Free Fall

Why can't I have nice things? Everytime something wonderful happens, I find a way to destroy it because that's the only way I can exercise control over my life.

Things have just been in a free fall for the last 3 weeks. And now I'm left alone here in Florida with my doubts weighing me down and crushing any spirit I may have. I love him. Most ardently. Yes I'm content to merely move through my world, destroying anything I touch.

If I don't learn to trust him, I will lose him. That's the truth of the matter. If I don't learn that his love is strong and stable and that he is speaking the truth to me, I will be left alone and miserable. It's a huge wall to surpass, but I have to get past it so I don't go through the conversations with him again.

He compared me to his last relationship where the girl said to him that she didn't understand why he was with her. I said almost an identical thing to him today and he blew a gasket. I couldn't believe the way he was swearing at me and getting upset. All he wants is my love and all I'm doing is pushing him away because it's "easier."

He wanted to hear the words from me. He wanted to know that I loved him and that I was excited to have him come live with me in Florida. He desperately wanted to hear that he meant a lot to me and that I was happy to have him in my life. Close to begging me and I couldn't believe it. It shocked me right to the core.

There is a someone out there who is as madly in love with me as I am with them. It blows my mind. I thought for a long time that I was "in love" with Chris, but it really wasn't true. I don't believe he loved me, even though he rejoiced in saying it ALL the time. I always assumed that his need to express his love for me was just a way of reaffirming it to himself, as if he had forgotten.

I can't simply imagine what this is meant to feel like. I informed him that when he wasn't around, I felt like half of a person. Which is entirely true. I feel like a shell of a human. He completes me. The other half of who I am. I think about us being together and I get aflutter. Because he is the perfect complement. And I can't lose that.