Ch-ch-changes

I've decided to be a vegetarian for the month of February and see how it goes. So far it's day 2 and I'm doing okay. Yesterday was tough because someone in my house decided it would be a good idea to fry a lot of bacon while I was at the gym. I came home and it smelled so damn good that I just started yelling.

My decision to try vegetarianism hasn't come about through a discovery that I despise meat and the meat industry. It's more of a lifestyle choice and a challenge to see if I can actually do it. I've realized that if I say I'm going to do something out loud in front of others, I will use their imaginary silent judgment of me to keep me from breaking down and nibbling a piece of bacon. I don't think any of my friends would think less of me, but in my mind everyone judges me for not sticking to my guns. It's a damn good motivator sometimes.

I use that motivation to propel me out of bed each morning (even though it's terribly cold), drive across town and endure the gym. I don't hate the gym. It's hard to hate a building with equipment in it. I just hate all of the people at the gym. There is something odd about gym folk and I hope I don't ever become like them. I don't want to deal with morons and the gym crams them all in with me and makes me breathe the same air and smell their sweat.

I was re-reading my last entry about needing to act and since that entry, I've not only acted but been pushed off the cliff and forced to. I lost my job on October 23rd, 2014. I wasn't laid off, I was fired. They don't like to call it that where I worked, they would say that I was terminated. Like an acolyte of John Connor from the future. I hate either word and I still cringe inside whenever someone  asks me where I work. I don't want to talk about it and you don't want to hear it. You ask me how I am, I will tell you I'm fine because no one wants to hear that things are shitty and depressing.

It's hard to say that things are shitty because they've been that way for a long time. I see the silver lining saying that I'm out of that place and I'll find something new. As the months stretch on of unemployment, I'm losing hope. I know that a HR dept at a company works in slow, slow motion and grinds out the search endlessly. In my brain, I know that. My heart says that I will never find another job because my heart only speaks in absolutes.