Re-awakening

I was watching a TED talk today by Brene Brown who wrote a book about why vulnerability is the key to forming solid connections with people. The reason that most people don't connect is because they don't feel worthy of love and happiness. It's so very true. I don't feel worthy at all. It feels to me like I'm floating through life experiencing things. Things are happening to me, but I'm not making anything happen. I'm just being pushed around by the waves of experiences without taking control and searching for the things that I want. So I'm trying to sit in the driver's seat, but my feet don't quite reach the pedals and I can't see over the steering wheel. I'm doing it though! It's scary to be in control because that means I have to actually ACT.

 I can no longer wait around for something to occur. I need to rediscover that person who moved to Florida without knowing a soul. I hope I can find her again because the life I'm leading now feels like settling. I don't want to settle anymore. I'm tired of fighting my way out of bed because the thought of my job is so damn boring that I can't even motivate myself to get up. I'm tired of watching opportunities come to others, while I idle in the breakdown lane. (Gotta keep the car metaphors going.)

It's frustrating for me to watch my friends move into better jobs and know that each day I will come in and do the same thing I've been doing for five years. I want to be the one that gets a goodbye party with cake.

 My search begins anew. I rewrite my resume and cover letter and begin the hunt again. At the same time, I'm also trying to figure out if I can stay at my current place of employment. The opportunities are few and far between at the moment. The horizon doesn't look promising for more. I have to at least try and keep my options open because I've got seniority here and I've got strong managerial support. However, I don't feel worthy of their praise for me. I don't see it what they see when they gush about me. And they do gush. It's embarrassing sometimes. I'm the go-to, the subject matter expert, the know-it-all, the brains behind the operation; whatever you want to call me. I wish I could see how valuable I am, because most of the time I don't feel it.

 I had an "ah hah" moment the other day when I realized that I seem to relish being melodramatic. Everything is always a CRISIS with me or the end of the world. Oh woe is me. Blah blah blah. I pick fights with my boyfriend over stupid things. I get mopey and my antisocial quotient goes through the ROOF. I'm wondering if it is even real or do I just enjoy the melodrama? I try to stay drama free, but it swirls around me and I whip it into a frenzy on occasion. Maybe I'm just bored or hormonal or depressed about life.

 To focus on the melodrama and remind myself how dumb I am, I've been re-reading old livejournal posts from the good ole college days and it was a roller coaster of bullshit.
 I was happy.
 I was SAD.
 I was HAPPY!
 I was suicidal (really?!? I seriously doubt that.)
 I had friends!
 We were enemies!
 I found love.
 Oh wait, he's a douche.
 I was a super bitch to my friends.
 We're friends again!
 I whined about my life.
 Life is awesome!

 On and on and on like that for months, even YEARS. It was all a bunch of crap. Drama that just festered and rotted and destroyed friendships. Granted, I was 20-22 years old at the time so dramatics are a right of passage. But come on! You would think this junk would be beneath me. It is 1 part hilarity and 1 part embarrassment to read some of the stuff I put out there for the world to see. I wrote atrocious poetry. I participated in the harassment of pre-teens. I wrote absurdly sexual prose that is so out of character for me that I must have been drunk when I wrote it. Nothing was off limits. Looking back, I was a terrible human being to most of the people around me. Unfortunately, there is a bit of the terrible person still in me somewhere.