Ch-ch-changes

I've decided to be a vegetarian for the month of February and see how it goes. So far it's day 2 and I'm doing okay. Yesterday was tough because someone in my house decided it would be a good idea to fry a lot of bacon while I was at the gym. I came home and it smelled so damn good that I just started yelling.

My decision to try vegetarianism hasn't come about through a discovery that I despise meat and the meat industry. It's more of a lifestyle choice and a challenge to see if I can actually do it. I've realized that if I say I'm going to do something out loud in front of others, I will use their imaginary silent judgment of me to keep me from breaking down and nibbling a piece of bacon. I don't think any of my friends would think less of me, but in my mind everyone judges me for not sticking to my guns. It's a damn good motivator sometimes.

I use that motivation to propel me out of bed each morning (even though it's terribly cold), drive across town and endure the gym. I don't hate the gym. It's hard to hate a building with equipment in it. I just hate all of the people at the gym. There is something odd about gym folk and I hope I don't ever become like them. I don't want to deal with morons and the gym crams them all in with me and makes me breathe the same air and smell their sweat.

I was re-reading my last entry about needing to act and since that entry, I've not only acted but been pushed off the cliff and forced to. I lost my job on October 23rd, 2014. I wasn't laid off, I was fired. They don't like to call it that where I worked, they would say that I was terminated. Like an acolyte of John Connor from the future. I hate either word and I still cringe inside whenever someone  asks me where I work. I don't want to talk about it and you don't want to hear it. You ask me how I am, I will tell you I'm fine because no one wants to hear that things are shitty and depressing.

It's hard to say that things are shitty because they've been that way for a long time. I see the silver lining saying that I'm out of that place and I'll find something new. As the months stretch on of unemployment, I'm losing hope. I know that a HR dept at a company works in slow, slow motion and grinds out the search endlessly. In my brain, I know that. My heart says that I will never find another job because my heart only speaks in absolutes.

Re-awakening

I was watching a TED talk today by Brene Brown who wrote a book about why vulnerability is the key to forming solid connections with people. The reason that most people don't connect is because they don't feel worthy of love and happiness. It's so very true. I don't feel worthy at all. It feels to me like I'm floating through life experiencing things. Things are happening to me, but I'm not making anything happen. I'm just being pushed around by the waves of experiences without taking control and searching for the things that I want. So I'm trying to sit in the driver's seat, but my feet don't quite reach the pedals and I can't see over the steering wheel. I'm doing it though! It's scary to be in control because that means I have to actually ACT.

 I can no longer wait around for something to occur. I need to rediscover that person who moved to Florida without knowing a soul. I hope I can find her again because the life I'm leading now feels like settling. I don't want to settle anymore. I'm tired of fighting my way out of bed because the thought of my job is so damn boring that I can't even motivate myself to get up. I'm tired of watching opportunities come to others, while I idle in the breakdown lane. (Gotta keep the car metaphors going.)

It's frustrating for me to watch my friends move into better jobs and know that each day I will come in and do the same thing I've been doing for five years. I want to be the one that gets a goodbye party with cake.

 My search begins anew. I rewrite my resume and cover letter and begin the hunt again. At the same time, I'm also trying to figure out if I can stay at my current place of employment. The opportunities are few and far between at the moment. The horizon doesn't look promising for more. I have to at least try and keep my options open because I've got seniority here and I've got strong managerial support. However, I don't feel worthy of their praise for me. I don't see it what they see when they gush about me. And they do gush. It's embarrassing sometimes. I'm the go-to, the subject matter expert, the know-it-all, the brains behind the operation; whatever you want to call me. I wish I could see how valuable I am, because most of the time I don't feel it.

 I had an "ah hah" moment the other day when I realized that I seem to relish being melodramatic. Everything is always a CRISIS with me or the end of the world. Oh woe is me. Blah blah blah. I pick fights with my boyfriend over stupid things. I get mopey and my antisocial quotient goes through the ROOF. I'm wondering if it is even real or do I just enjoy the melodrama? I try to stay drama free, but it swirls around me and I whip it into a frenzy on occasion. Maybe I'm just bored or hormonal or depressed about life.

 To focus on the melodrama and remind myself how dumb I am, I've been re-reading old livejournal posts from the good ole college days and it was a roller coaster of bullshit.
 I was happy.
 I was SAD.
 I was HAPPY!
 I was suicidal (really?!? I seriously doubt that.)
 I had friends!
 We were enemies!
 I found love.
 Oh wait, he's a douche.
 I was a super bitch to my friends.
 We're friends again!
 I whined about my life.
 Life is awesome!

 On and on and on like that for months, even YEARS. It was all a bunch of crap. Drama that just festered and rotted and destroyed friendships. Granted, I was 20-22 years old at the time so dramatics are a right of passage. But come on! You would think this junk would be beneath me. It is 1 part hilarity and 1 part embarrassment to read some of the stuff I put out there for the world to see. I wrote atrocious poetry. I participated in the harassment of pre-teens. I wrote absurdly sexual prose that is so out of character for me that I must have been drunk when I wrote it. Nothing was off limits. Looking back, I was a terrible human being to most of the people around me. Unfortunately, there is a bit of the terrible person still in me somewhere.

Well I do declare that this blog is officially reopened.

So I'm failing my New Year's resolution for this year and that's...okay. This past 8 months have been the most stressful ever. I come home from work and just want to sleep forever. There is no way to hold onto motivation to lose weight when I can't keep my stress under control.

I wish I could say that I was sleeping a lot and feeling rested, but I'm not. It makes it tough to be social because I just want to spend the weekends lazing around in my jammies doing nothing.

2011 begins with a resolution

This year is starting off with my biggest New Year's Resolution ever......


1.1.09 - Give up coffee/soda
1.1.10 - Give up fast food
1.1.11 - Lose 60 lbs

You would think I'd be a mess. 2 years without coffee or soda or anything else with caffeine in it!? I've survived and it's been nice. I did give up fast food for a year and strangely enough, I don't miss it. I only broke down once and ate some Wendy's but that's because I was hungover so it was justified.

After going to the doctor in December and getting weighed, I realized that things needed to change in my life. I've been going to the gym everyday. I went to my first zumba class with Aimee last Thursday and it kicked my ass hard. I felt really good afterwards though. We plan on going every week. It's fun to have a zumba buddy. I wouldn't want to go by myself.

Bring it on 2011. BRING.IT.ON. I'm ready for all the crap you can throw at me. I plan to lose 5 lbs a month for the next 12 months and I can do it! I'm motivated. When I make a resolution, I stick to it. I'm not letting anything get in my way.

So lately, I've been sort of blah about everything. I felt like all I did was work, sleep, and eat. A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a tap class at Casco Bay Movers. I was scared out of my mind because I haven't had tap shoes on in almost 10 years! I signed up for the adult class and when I got there, I was basically the youngest person. The class was fun and it felt like it had only been a few months since I've tapped, not almost a decade. Everything came back to me. It was great. I left that class feeling more energized and excited than I have in a long time. I originally paid for one class just to see how it would be and then went back and bought 13 more lessons. It gets me out of the house and moving each week. That's always a big plus.

I'm mildly alive

My mom turned 60 a week ago and I hope she enjoyed it. I wish I could have been there to celebrate her birthday and officially reaching "over the hill" status. My parents are soon to be making the trip back to the frozen north. I'll have to make a journey to Hermon to see them when they get settled. It's nice to visit the parents for short periods of time. Two or three days max and I'm good for a little while. Just thinking about living with them full time again gives me a screeching headache.

In other news, my two new year's resolutions are going well. Better than expected actually.

1) Do not shop at Wal-mart for a year.
I know it sounds dumb, but it's totally worth it. I hate that place and I wish I could say that I would never shop there for the rest of my life, but sometimes it's the only option. I'm proving that a person can live without shopping at that dreadful store and still manage to save money. It can be done!

2) Stop drinking anything with caffeine in it.
This one is definitely tougher for me. I live for Coke. I need it all the time. It tastes so damn good. Just thinking about it now makes me want one, but I resist the urge. I can do this. Caffeine makes me jittery, gives me headaches and the sugar in soda isn't doing anything but make me fatter. Plus I found out that in my old age (27 ha ha) coffee gives me the worst heartburn of my life. I quit cold turkey on January 1 and it's been good so far. I stick to water, decaf tea and juice. It keeps me sane. It lets my esophagus live and maybe someday I'll actually lose a few pounds from cutting out the excess sugar. One 12 oz coke has 10 teaspoons of sugar in it. Good lord! That's an entire day of sugar in one can. I don't need that. People think I'm nuts for doing this. I see it as one step in the right direction of being healthier.

Portland Adult Ed is rocking my world lately. I'm almost done my 12 week yoga class and the spring/summer classes are getting ready to start up. I wish they had a tap class because that would be killer and a serious calorie burner. Unfortunately their dance offerings are limited to belly dancing and ballroom, neither of which I'm good at. They've got more yoga classes which I think I'll sign up for. Plus they've got a bead working class where you can learn how to make your own jewelry. I'm very interested. I think it would be fun and I'm seriously desperate for a hobby.