The doom rabbit has come.

Impending doom or starting my life off with a BANG? You tell me.

So, it's a blizzard outside and a Nor'easter is arriving on Sunday. I was driving home on Rainbow Mall Road (the world's gayest little road) and as I approached a stop sign, I applied pressure to the brakes.... lo and behold I wasn't stopping. In fact, I started sliding or gliding like a small 4 wheeled vehicle on ice skates. I slid for 15 feet and the last 10 of that, I was totally sideways. I started giggling like any insane person would do and attempted to right myself and the car with some sobering thoughts. I'm glad I was only the person on the road or that could have been disastrous. I'm also glad I didn't slide off into the great white yonder that is the forest on the side of the road. I once saw a poor, dejected mattress along the side of Rainbow Mall Road. It was living in the forest and subsisting off small squirrels and new shoots. Okay that last part isn't true, but I did see the mattress and I didn't want to follow in its sad, mattressy footsteps.

In other news, while financial solvency seems like a pipe dream at this point, I've gotten another "gift" of being told two things by my current employer. 1) We have no more money to pay you after December 31, 2008. 2) The position we dangled in front of you like a carrot has turned out to be rotten and won't be available to you until April fucking 1, 2009. April fools! You stupid bastards. So with under 2 weeks of actual, paying work left, I began to come up with back up plans (after I lost brain cells while hyperventilating). Temp work until April, working for John, or staying at home like a loser and leeching every last bit of life out of Charles. I don't like any of those options but it's all I've got to choose from. Merry fucking Christmas! I bet Audrey Hepburn never had these kind of troubles.

Mrs. Darcy

I wish it was 1890 and I was in a Henry James novel. I could have puffy skirts and demurely fan myself while eying my future husband across the room. I could carry a monocle since it is unseemly for ladies to wear spectacles in polite society. I could have lace gloves and dainty shoes and a personal maid who would help me dress and do my hair. Perhaps I'd meet a man who I detested but secretly grew to love. I could be swept away and live in splendour, while he kisses my face by candlelight. Maybe life would be easy.

Save the drama for your mama

So my second month in Maine begins with...drama. I wish I could avoid it and just ignore people who talk.

You know when you have people in your life that you wish would just shut up? I have those in abundance. People from Florida, people here in Maine and just people I've met. They find themselves entitled to my attention and always feel that when they go away, I will "miss" them.

Now it may be hard to get through people's heads, but I rarely miss anyone. I miss my parents. That's about as far as I can go. My brain and heart are compartmentalized. Maybe I'm a cold-hearted bitch for that, but it's how I work. If someone moves out of my sphere of life, I move that person into a compartment. I don't miss people very often. I may miss talking to them and their funny stories, but I don't miss the whining or complaining about every little thing that is wrong in their lives.

I guess it's beyond me to care sometimes. Maybe I just have a happy life and I want others to be happy as well. That isn't too much to ask. Right? It's just ridiculous that from every angle I hear blabbering in my ear about troubles, trials and tribulations. I want positivity. Make me miss you. Give me something to work with. I can't really enjoy myself if all I hear is that you are miserable, terrible, hate your fat ass, don't like your options for life etc. etc.

My compartments are small and they click shut with a finality sometimes. I just get fed up with things and I don't re-open them to enjoy your company. Sometimes I just can't. I need variety. I need something other than drama to keep me from losing my mind.

It's getting cold now. Rocktober as Liz would say is upon us. The leaves are changing and it's time to pick apples. My ability to make friends is severely diminished, especially here where I have a history. I miss good quality people, like the ones I had in Florida.

What does one do with oodles of free time?

I really have nothing substantial to do with my life anymore. I wake up, I sit around, I apply for jobs and today I climbed a mountain. Beyond that, my life is one big snoozefest. I chitty chat with friends and such, but I just have no interest in hanging out I guess. Sometimes I just feel too tired to care. That's never good.

I am trying to read a book today. I read a few chapters, get bored and stop. Then I start pacing the apartment which makes CJ antsy and angry because he's trying to watch a movie. I'm just trying to find something to occupy my mind. The internet is letting me down and I just don't feel chatty enough to call someone and let them blather in my ear.

You know what keeps me happy?



Thinking about Mr. Darcy.

Update/Recap thingy

It's been almost 2 years since I've written in this bad boy...so let's recap the last 2 years shall we?

- moved to Florida
- attended FSU, lived in 2 different apartments (both infested w/ roaches);
- made one very good friend, 3 so-so friends (i feel that's good enough for 2 years work)
- didn't get to experience a hurricane
- visited Atlanta, Las Vegas, Kiawah, and St. Augustine (where the ghosts live)
- survived epic heat and humidity conditions
- graduated with a M.S. in Criminology after 2 years of grueling work
- moved in with CJ and I haven't killed him yet

Recently??
- moved back to Maine (because I'm bananas)
- currently unemployed and hemorrhaging money
- drinking Shipyard Pumpkinhead like it's going out of style

I wouldn't say that I enjoy being back in Portland, but I don't hate it either. I'm indifferent to my situation and I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm on the hunt for a decent paying job because I have student loan payments that are going to follow me to the grave.