Moonlight Car Crash

2011-06-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm failing my New Year's resolution for this year and that's...okay. This past 8 months have been the most stressful ever. I come home from work and just want to sleep forever. There is no way to hold onto motivation to lose weight when I can't keep my stress under control.

I wish I could say that I was sleeping a lot and feeling rested, but I'm not. It makes it tough to be social because I just want to spend the weekends lazing around in my jammies doing nothing.

2011 begins with a resolution

2011-01-12T14:30:00.001-08:00

This year is starting off with my biggest New Year's Resolution ever......

1.1.09 - Give up coffee/soda
1.1.10 - Give up fast food
1.1.11 - Lose 60 lbs

You would think I'd be a mess. 2 years without coffee or soda or anything else with caffeine in it!? I've survived and it's been nice. I did give up fast food for a year and strangely enough, I don't miss it. I only broke down once and ate some Wendy's but that's because I was hungover so it was justified.

After going to the doctor in December and getting weighed, I realized that things needed to change in my life. I've been going to the gym everyday. I went to my first zumba class with Aimee last Thursday and it kicked my ass hard. I felt really good afterwards though. We plan on going every week. It's fun to have a zumba buddy. I wouldn't want to go by myself.

Bring it on 2011. BRING.IT.ON. I'm ready for all the crap you can throw at me. I plan to lose 5 lbs a month for the next 12 months and I can do it! I'm motivated. When I make a resolution, I stick to it. I'm not letting anything get in my way.

2009-10-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

So lately, I've been sort of blah about everything. I felt like all I did was work, sleep, and eat. A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a tap class at Casco Bay Movers. I was scared out of my mind because I haven't had tap shoes on in almost 10 years! I signed up for the adult class and when I got there, I was basically the youngest person. The class was fun and it felt like it had only been a few months since I've tapped, not almost a decade. Everything came back to me. It was great. I left that class feeling more energized and excited than I have in a long time. I originally paid for one class just to see how it would be and then went back and bought 13 more lessons. It gets me out of the house and moving each week. That's always a big plus.

I'm mildly alive

2009-03-27T18:29:00.001-07:00

My mom turned 60 a week ago and I hope she enjoyed it. I wish I could have been there to celebrate her birthday and officially reaching "over the hill" status. My parents are soon to be making the trip back to the frozen north. I'll have to make a journey to Hermon to see them when they get settled. It's nice to visit the parents for short periods of time. Two or three days max and I'm good for a little while. Just thinking about living with them full time again gives me a screeching headache.

In other news, my two new year's resolutions are going well. Better than expected actually.

1) Do not shop at Wal-mart for a year.
I know it sounds dumb, but it's totally worth it. I hate that place and I wish I could say that I would never shop there for the rest of my life, but sometimes it's the only option. I'm proving that a person can live without shopping at that dreadful store and still manage to save money. It can be done!

2) Stop drinking anything with caffeine in it.
This one is definitely tougher for me. I live for Coke. I need it all the time. It tastes so damn good. Just thinking about it now makes me want one, but I resist the urge. I can do this. Caffeine makes me jittery, gives me headaches and the sugar in soda isn't doing anything but make me fatter. Plus I found out that in my old age (27 ha ha) coffee gives me the worst heartburn of my life. I quit cold turkey on January 1 and it's been good so far. I stick to water, decaf tea and juice. It keeps me sane. It lets my esophagus live and maybe someday I'll actually lose a few pounds from cutting out the excess sugar. One 12 oz coke has 10 teaspoons of sugar in it. Good lord! That's an entire day of sugar in one can. I don't need that. People think I'm nuts for doing this. I see it as one step in the right direction of being healthier.

Portland Adult Ed is rocking my world lately. I'm almost done my 12 week yoga class and the spring/summer classes are getting ready to start up. I wish they had a tap class because that would be killer and a serious calorie burner. Unfortunately their dance offerings are limited to belly dancing and ballroom, neither of which I'm good at. They've got more yoga classes which I think I'll sign up for. Plus they've got a bead working class where you can learn how to make your own jewelry. I'm very interested. I think it would be fun and I'm seriously desperate for a hobby.

And the hits just keep on coming

2009-03-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

Things have swirled around a bit since I wrote the doom and gloom post. In no particular order:

- I got a full time job yo.
- After seven years of studying criminology, I work for a healthcare company.
- Once again, I have moola.

Brief mentions:
I really don't like people who try too hard to witty.
Twitter is my friend.
Foxmarks is not.
Chair + floor = white circular ring.
Maine Restaurant week is interesting.
I suggest everyone try speed dial for Firefox. It rocks my socks.

My cat Lola loves small stuffed mice and a laser pointer. She also scratches CJ in the middle of the night, knocks stuff down and races around like a horse practicing for the Kentucky Derby. All in all, she fits right in with the insanity that goes on around here anyway.

Lego Star Wars and Lego Batman are my favorites for Xbox 360.

Velvet Goldmine

2009-01-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

Out of all the Christian Bale movies I've seen (and I've seen 99% of them), this one is the craziest and is definitely my favorite.

Combine:
1 coked up/naked Ewan MacGregor
1 rhinestone encrusted Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
1 masturbating, makeup wearing, Ewan MacGregor fucking, Christian Bale
add a pinch of screaming teenagers
small doses of Toni Collette and Eddie Izzard

You've got a glam rock powerhouse called Velvet Goldmine!!!

It's full of sex, drugs and glam rock from the 1970s. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a sex kitten who takes on the world full force. His career as Brian Slade skyrockets so high that he burns out and disappears from view. Christian Bale plays a reporter who is asked to dig into Slade's past and find out what happened to him. Only Christian Bale knows that he has some intimate memories of Brian Slade and his group of followers. The movie includes vague references to Oscar Wilde that are never fully explained. If you enjoy an acid trip covered in glitter and jewels, this is the movie for you.

The doom rabbit has come.

2008-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

Impending doom or starting my life off with a BANG? You tell me.

So, it's a blizzard outside and a Nor'easter is arriving on Sunday. I was driving home on Rainbow Mall Road (the world's gayest little road) and as I approached a stop sign, I applied pressure to the brakes.... lo and behold I wasn't stopping. In fact, I started sliding or gliding like a small 4 wheeled vehicle on ice skates. I slid for 15 feet and the last 10 of that, I was totally sideways. I started giggling like any insane person would do and attempted to right myself and the car with some sobering thoughts. I'm glad I was only the person on the road or that could have been disastrous. I'm also glad I didn't slide off into the great white yonder that is the forest on the side of the road. I once saw a poor, dejected mattress along the side of Rainbow Mall Road. It was living in the forest and subsisting off small squirrels and new shoots. Okay that last part isn't true, but I did see the mattress and I didn't want to follow in its sad, mattressy footsteps.

In other news, while financial solvency seems like a pipe dream at this point, I've gotten another "gift" of being told two things by my current employer. 1) We have no more money to pay you after December 31, 2008. 2) The position we dangled in front of you like a carrot has turned out to be rotten and won't be available to you until April fucking 1, 2009. April fools! You stupid bastards. So with under 2 weeks of actual, paying work left, I began to come up with back up plans (after I lost brain cells while hyperventilating). Temp work until April, working for John, or staying at home like a loser and leeching every last bit of life out of Charles. I don't like any of those options but it's all I've got to choose from. Merry fucking Christmas! I bet Audrey Hepburn never had these kind of troubles.

Mrs. Darcy

2008-10-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

I wish it was 1890 and I was in a Henry James novel. I could have puffy skirts and demurely fan myself while eying my future husband across the room. I could carry a monocle since it is unseemly for ladies to wear spectacles in polite society. I could have lace gloves and dainty shoes and a personal maid who would help me dress and do my hair. Perhaps I'd meet a man who I detested but secretly grew to love. I could be swept away and live in splendour, while he kisses my face by candlelight. Maybe life would be easy.

Save the drama for your mama

2008-10-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

So my second month in Maine begins with...drama. I wish I could avoid it and just ignore people who talk.

You know when you have people in your life that you wish would just shut up? I have those in abundance. People from Florida, people here in Maine and just people I've met. They find themselves entitled to my attention and always feel that when they go away, I will "miss" them.

Now it may be hard to get through people's heads, but I rarely miss anyone. I miss my parents. That's about as far as I can go. My brain and heart are compartmentalized. Maybe I'm a cold-hearted bitch for that, but it's how I work. If someone moves out of my sphere of life, I move that person into a compartment. I don't miss people very often. I may miss talking to them and their funny stories, but I don't miss the whining or complaining about every little thing that is wrong in their lives.

I guess it's beyond me to care sometimes. Maybe I just have a happy life and I want others to be happy as well. That isn't too much to ask. Right? It's just ridiculous that from every angle I hear blabbering in my ear about troubles, trials and tribulations. I want positivity. Make me miss you. Give me something to work with. I can't really enjoy myself if all I hear is that you are miserable, terrible, hate your fat ass, don't like your options for life etc. etc.

My compartments are small and they click shut with a finality sometimes. I just get fed up with things and I don't re-open them to enjoy your company. Sometimes I just can't. I need variety. I need something other than drama to keep me from losing my mind.

It's getting cold now. Rocktober as Liz would say is upon us. The leaves are changing and it's time to pick apples. My ability to make friends is severely diminished, especially here where I have a history. I miss good quality people, like the ones I had in Florida.

2008-09-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

What does one do with oodles of free time?

I really have nothing substantial to do with my life anymore. I wake up, I sit around, I apply for jobs and today I climbed a mountain. Beyond that, my life is one big snoozefest. I chitty chat with friends and such, but I just have no interest in hanging out I guess. Sometimes I just feel too tired to care. That's never good.

I am trying to read a book today. I read a few chapters, get bored and stop. Then I start pacing the apartment which makes CJ antsy and angry because he's trying to watch a movie. I'm just trying to find something to occupy my mind. The internet is letting me down and I just don't feel chatty enough to call someone and let them blather in my ear.

You know what keeps me happy?

Thinking about Mr. Darcy.

Update/Recap thingy

2008-08-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 years since I've written in this bad boy...so let's recap the last 2 years shall we?

- moved to Florida
- attended FSU, lived in 2 different apartments (both infested w/ roaches);
- made one very good friend, 3 so-so friends (i feel that's good enough for 2 years work)
- didn't get to experience a hurricane
- visited Atlanta, Las Vegas, Kiawah, and St. Augustine (where the ghosts live)
- survived epic heat and humidity conditions
- graduated with a M.S. in Criminology after 2 years of grueling work
- moved in with CJ and I haven't killed him yet

Recently??
- moved back to Maine (because I'm bananas)
- currently unemployed and hemorrhaging money
- drinking Shipyard Pumpkinhead like it's going out of style

I wouldn't say that I enjoy being back in Portland, but I don't hate it either. I'm indifferent to my situation and I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm on the hunt for a decent paying job because I have student loan payments that are going to follow me to the grave.

Haunted

2006-09-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

Things aren't working the way they are supposed to.

I should have a job...but I don't.
I should be happy...but I'm not.
I should be excited about grad school...but I'm just sort of excited.

I was told I didn't talk enough. Maybe I don't. I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say anymore. I don't have any interesting or unique points of view in my head anymore. So I prefer to say nothing. I'm sorry if you can't handle that. You interrupt me all the time with your thoughts...so I've gotten the hint. I'm not interesting.

Thunder. Lightning. Inside my head.

I smell blood.

Free Fall

2006-09-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

Why can't I have nice things? Everytime something wonderful happens, I find a way to destroy it because that's the only way I can exercise control over my life.

Things have just been in a free fall for the last 3 weeks. And now I'm left alone here in Florida with my doubts weighing me down and crushing any spirit I may have. I love him. Most ardently. Yes I'm content to merely move through my world, destroying anything I touch.

If I don't learn to trust him, I will lose him. That's the truth of the matter. If I don't learn that his love is strong and stable and that he is speaking the truth to me, I will be left alone and miserable. It's a huge wall to surpass, but I have to get past it so I don't go through the conversations with him again.

He compared me to his last relationship where the girl said to him that she didn't understand why he was with her. I said almost an identical thing to him today and he blew a gasket. I couldn't believe the way he was swearing at me and getting upset. All he wants is my love and all I'm doing is pushing him away because it's "easier."

He wanted to hear the words from me. He wanted to know that I loved him and that I was excited to have him come live with me in Florida. He desperately wanted to hear that he meant a lot to me and that I was happy to have him in my life. Close to begging me and I couldn't believe it. It shocked me right to the core.

There is a someone out there who is as madly in love with me as I am with them. It blows my mind. I thought for a long time that I was "in love" with Chris, but it really wasn't true. I don't believe he loved me, even though he rejoiced in saying it ALL the time. I always assumed that his need to express his love for me was just a way of reaffirming it to himself, as if he had forgotten.

I can't simply imagine what this is meant to feel like. I informed him that when he wasn't around, I felt like half of a person. Which is entirely true. I feel like a shell of a human. He completes me. The other half of who I am. I think about us being together and I get aflutter. Because he is the perfect complement. And I can't lose that.

Chauncey Pitro Poncey

2006-07-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

I feel I need to document this for my own personal record. On July 2, 2006 I snapped a 4 year 4 month and 12 day streak of celibacy. I can't tell you how these things happen. They just do. I met a boy. That never happens. I met him, I like him and he likes me back. That really never happens.

I don't know what else to say. I'm not overanalyzing anything. (which is a first) I'm going with the flow as they say. Mostly, because I don't know what else to do considering my situation at this point. I'm leaving in a month and 10 days...so I can't very well start something. I just can't. It would be too hard.

What a miserable time. It makes me very sad, so I try to block it out and enjoy the time that I have left here in Maine. It's difficult sometimes. Especially at night when I'm laying down. My mind just runs and then I can't get to sleep. It's a common occurrence.

Melancholia

2006-05-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm very melancholy today. Or at least for the last few hours. I'm not really sure why. I do believe that I have never had a meaningful relationship. I try to not feel bad about that...but I can't help it. I just want someone to love me I guess. With all my quirks and foibles. That's all. But I think I'm good at being a saboteur. I make it incredibly difficult for people to like me or love me or have any kind of affection. I build a wall and then I bomb the crap out of people who try to break through.

I shoot people down when they want to ...get close to me. In a physical sense. I can't handle someone invading my personal sphere anymore. The first time I had sex with Chris, I cried. He told me he loved me and I started to cry. At least he wasn't paying attention. He was too worried about his dick in my vagina. Or the condom falling off to notice that I had big alligator tears running down my face. I cried because I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I wanted it so badly.

I can handle kissing and cuddling and all that jazz...but anything more is just beyond me. I really can't begin to fathom how that can happen. I let it happen once recently (and when I say recent I mean like 2 years ago) and then I just closed up shop. I don't like people being close to me anymore. It seems easier to me to just push them all away and continue on with my business then to let someone see me have an orgasm. That's too personal. It's too close for comfort. I do not handle that well. I don't handle it at all. I make it a point to avoid that at all costs.

Bombs over Baghdad

2006-05-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

I stuck a gun inside my vagina and pulled the trigger.

My ovaries felt the impact first as they shattered into a ball of light. The eggs were floating like pieces of styrofoam in the water.

It crushed my pelvic bone, destroyed my uterus, tore up my intestines and deflated my stomach. I didn't feel it when it happened. A bullet traveling at 800 feet/second will do that to you. It was a cool breeze across my flesh as it tore a hole and then instantly filled it with blood.

800 feet/second of full metal jacketed insanity crashed into my spine. My legs crumbled and my knees knocked together like a 5 year old at her first dance recital. I would have cried out in pain as my kneecaps collided with the cement but I couldn't feel that either. I couldn't feel the snapping of ribs or the collapsing of my ribcage. The spokes of my body puncturing my skin and falling like twigs around me. It was painless and numb as the bullet traveled through me and continued on.

2006-05-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm never alone.

I feel like I'm alone all the time. I always get the feeling that I should be driving my car off a cliff. I want to just roll the car into traffic and snap my neck and die. I wouldn't have to worry about losing sleep or dealing with work or going to grad school or figuring out life. I could just be dead.

That doesn't seem like a normal thought process to have. I mean. ... Never.

I'm not happy. I never have been. There is always something else I should be doing. Or somewhere I should or someone I should call...yet I never do. I sit at home alone. I'm a hermit by nature. I don't socialize and I try to feel bad about it but I just can't.